Just thinkin'.

As I was rocking Ingrid to sleep tonight, I started thinking about when my sister Melinda first became a mom. I was 13 years old when my oldest nephew Ryker was born. I remember watching him stop crying as soon as she held him. He just loved her so much, and it was specifically her he wanted. I told her once as he was falling asleep on her chest, and I'm not sure she remembers this, that I want to have kids because I want that. To be the person they feel most comfortable with and would do anything for them. 

At thirteen I knew how much I wanted to be a mom, and one of my biggest fears was that I wouldn't have that opportunity. Now, I have an 8 month old, and I'm pregnant with my second! Although the co-sleeping has its cons, I love being so present and necessary in her little life. 

I'm just so grateful for my babies, is all. I don't think everyone is meant to be a parent, but I know I definitely was. 

Also, my husband is awesome, and he's a great dad, too. He has found a way to get her to sleep almost quicker than my way, which is kind of crazy.

 

The Small Stuff.

I went to McDonalds this morning to buy a diet coke because we're out. (Yes, I'm that person.) I forgot to ask for no ice, and they said they could bring me one if I pulled forward. (Still that person.) I pull forward, and a few cars go around me and someone else is asked to pull forward. I pulled up a bit more so she could have more room. So, this big ol' truck is behind the lady. He lays on his horn, whips around her and yells, "Move your bitch car, whore!" I drive a prius (that person again), so I'm assuming the bitch car was me because.... it is. 

I initially was confused, then I got angry. Why would someone make a comment like that about someone who had been asked to pull forward at McDonalds? They have an area specifically for that. I didn't choose for him to get in his enormous vehicle and go through a drive thru during a morning rush. And who yells at people in the McDonald'd drive thru?? 

Then, strangely enough, I became introspective. Lately I have been getting angry about random things that I have really no reason to be angry about. I get frustrated with my husband for things that aren't his fault or aren't anything to get upset about. I don't think I get to the degree of the dude in the truck, but sweating the small stuff just isn't worth it.

So thanks, douche. You helped me come to a realization that will help me be a better person.  

In other news, Ingrid has her first cold. She hates it when I wipe her nose, and her little cough makes me sad.

Summer.

It's been a while since I've posted. It's been a crazy couple of months, but things are going well. Erik has a ton of fun projects, Ingrid is crawling and pulling up to stuff like crazy, and I start school in three weeks!!

As many of you know, Erik and I have been on the journey to be sealed in the temple, and after a year I finally feel like things are happening. Erik is going to be ordained an Elder on Sunday. I am so proud of him and the changes he's made in his life to become a better person. He works so hard to make sure Ingrid and I are comfortable and happy, and I love him so much. We are planning on blessing Ingrid on September 1st, and we should be going through the temple some time in October. I love the change in life style we have done, and I love the way the gospel has touched my life.

We went to a good friend's wedding reception in Salt Lake, and Maggie snapped this cutie. I'm so happy for Tia and her lovely bride! I'm so glad we were able to see them while they were in town.

We went to Bear Lake last weekend, which is my absolute favorite weekend of the year! I love seeing that beautiful, blue lake, Oreo (and the occasional raspberry) shakes, walking a mile or so to the beach (we had a pioneer trek across a river this year), and this year we added our little fishy to the mix. Ingrid LOVES the water! She was so adorable splashing around, and kicking her legs with her dad. We crawled around on the shore for a while, then she just zonked out. I'm already excited for next year!

Nikki just saw how we were walking with Ingrid and immediately jumped on the photo op. Thanks!!

They have so much fun together. 

She crawled around and got so mad at me when I made her get out for a nap. We definitely have a fishy in the family.

This was our pioneer trek in order to get to the good beach. It was quite the walk, but the water was great where we ended up. There were more pictures of Erik, Steven, and Clifton all helping my grandpa across, but somehow they got deleted from my phone. 

This is for Melinda. We always bring lunch to the beach, and someone decided putting the potato salad into baggies was a good idea. Erik, with his ingenious ideas, bit a hole in the corner and squished it out. Hilarious!

These two are so cute together! I love that Ingrid has a cousin so close to her age.

I'm kind of glad summer is starting to wind down. I'm ready to go back to school, and start getting on with the rest of our goals.

We took Ingrid to the drive in last night to see Despicable Me 2 with my brother Steven and his family. It was so much fun! We need to do it more often!

If you couldn't tell.

If you follow me on instagram, the following post will not be news to you. Why? Because I post a picture of my adorable baby girl almost every day. But there's a reason why I post so many pictures. I love being a mom! There, I said it! And not only do I love being a mom, I'm OBSESSED with my daughter! She is the cutest thing ever. Within the last half hour she has done the following:

figured out how the bear toy on her swing works
tried to pull the toy connected to the top of her play gym off
pooped all over her clothes
talked to herself in a mirror
and fallen asleep.

She is one busy little three month old, which makes me a busy not little mommy (I still have a thousand pounds to lose from being pregnant). And I love my little family. Even when my laundry looks like this:

Told you she pooped all over herself.

But in all seriousness, children are amazing. I was reading "I'll Love You Forever" to Ingrid last night, and I made it half way through before I started crying. Maybe I'm a sap, but seriously, that book is freaking adorable. She is absolutely amazing! I want her to get bigger so I can see all of the fun things she will be, but I want her to always be little enough to love cuddling with her mom.

I just thought you might want to know :)

She's been talking like crazy all week!

Oh, happy day.

The last month has been hard. Very, very hard. Erik was working this sales job, and we were doing pretty well. We weren't worried about money at all. Then he was told his last day would be March 1st. They decided to close their entire sales department, which i guess isn't all that uncommon with small businesses. But imagine, if you will: Ingrid is almost 2 months old, our hospital bills are chilling on the counter, our rent is due, our bills are due, the diapers run out... We had a little in savings, but most of it was depleted when the engine blew in our Cobalt right before Christmas.

So, we started talking about subletting for the rest of our lease and living with family. Which I hate. I love my family. I love Erik's family. I don't need to live with them. Two weeks ago, it got to the point where we had to make a decision and set a date to act out that decision. If Erik didn't have a job that could sustain our bills, if our tax refund hadn't come through, if we couldn't handle it.... We would move out.

The day we chose is today.

You need to understand something: Moving in with parents was something I decided I wouldn't do when I moved out of my parents house in 2009. We had to live with parents this summer, and I hated it. I LOVE my family. But I need the space for my own family. So, the decision to live with parents is hard, emotional and almost devastating to me.

Erik started his second new job last week (the first one would require him to potentially bankrupt every person he called. We didn't feel comfortable with him doing it, despite the huge paychecks he could get), and it's going so well! He has the potential to make as much as he did before (commission jobs suck in my book), and he had an awesome first week.

And I just checked the status of our refund. It will be in our account on the 10th!

So, pretty good paycheck and refund in our account this week means we're going to be okay. We're going to be able to buy diapers, food, pay Ingrid's bills, pay our bills, buy gas. We can stay in our apartment for now. We can stay in our awesome ward and continue working with our wonderful bishop. It's going to be okay.

Tithing works, people. This is the first time I've ever had that saving grace at the right moment. I'm so grateful for this. For Erik's job, for the punctual nature of the refund system, for my husband being so strong through this month while I've been a mess. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has been listening. And I am so grateful for our little apartment.

I'm hoping our welcome mat and my wreath gets to stay up all summer.

Thank you, Ben, for the addition:
Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. (Malachi 3:10)

Just Love.

So, I apologize for how long this post is, but I have something I need to get off my chest. It probably won't be liked by a few people. I've always been passive agressive, and it only makes me upset. So I'm gonna say this cause I can. Please keep reading even if you don't like me half way through. Something cute is at the end :D

I am LDS. I stopped going to church shortly after I moved away to college, and three years later decided to go back. I've done the growing up in the church thing, the leaving the church thing, and the coming back thing. So, I feel like I have a good sense of how my life has been during each of these three stages.

Now, I have a few items of business to discuss:

1) Never did I once during the three years that I didn't go to church feel like my family didn't want to include me in their lives. I was constantly reassured that my decisions did not change the way every single one of them (and my family is ha-uge) felt about me. I never once felt like my siblings were using me as an example of how NOT to behave to their children. I was always loved, and always felt that love.

2) I have never felt like I was discriminated against in the church because I am a woman. To tell you the truth, I don't want the priesthood! And I believe anyone who has had to carry a watermelon strapped to the front of them around for 9 months, THEN had to push that watermelon out of a teeny tiny hole will back me up on this. I know that I have different responsibilities than my husband. Those responsibilities don't necessarily mandate me to be a stay at home mom. I plan on having a career outside of my home, and I know that's okay. To be honest, I know just as many woman in the church who have been looked down upon (BY OTHER WOMEN) because they are a stay at home mom as those that choose to not be. But I also know that my daughter is the most important responsibility in my life. She is also my husband's most important responsibility. And if she requires something, I will give it to her. Because that's what a mom does. A mom is there for her kids, and a mother's responsibility is to do whatever is best for her children. (my mom is freaking awesome, P.S.)

3) If someone decides to tell me they don't think I am good enough, doing the right thing, or not a good Mormon, I will tell them to back up off my business. Because it isn't their place to decide that. It isn't their place to tell me that I am not doing the right thing, because how the hell could they even know that? There is a big misconception about the church that has always bothered me. People who say they have left the church because of members don't understand that those members are in the wrong, not the Church itself. The people who take it upon themselves to judge you don't understand that it is not their responsibility. It is God's. And God is awesome.

4) I believe firmly that we all have a thing called free agency, the ability to make our own choices. I know that if someone decides to do something, it's because they decided to do it. AND THAT'S OKAY! It is not some random member's place to tell me I am wrong for supporting any cause I choose to support. I am not going to let my personal beliefs impede someone else's personal beliefs. How loving and understanding would that be?

I 100% believe that I understand all of these concepts because my parents taught me about the gospel itself, not their opinion of it. They taught me how to love. Whenever I didn't include someone in anything for any reason, they would quickly tell me that I was in the wrong. I was taught that everyone has free agency, and they can decide for themselves what they do. My mom worked every day of my life. She always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but our situation did not allow her to. Did I miss out on some of the wonderful things children with stay at home mom's get? Yes. Would I prefer to go back and change the way I grew up, the relationship I have with my mother, and the experiences I have had? No.

I belong to a church that is based on love. On acceptance. On trying to be like Jesus. He turned the other cheek, didn't judge those tainted with sin, and He died so I can become like Him.

Now, back on the opinions thing. People who choose to uphold their opinions by voting for certain things have the right to do so. And a church who believes certain things has the right to say certain things in support of their beliefs. Negativity is not of God. Hate is not of God. If you haven't actually read what the church itself says about certain topics, GO READ THEM instead of relying on the information written by some douche canoe who knows nothing about it in the Salt Lake Tribune. You read that right, I called that guy a douche canoe. As a member of the LDS Church, I know that what that man was saying was not correct. I know that his negativity, and anyone who uses negativity to promote their beliefs, is wrong.

I love all of my friends and family. I love them if they go to church, don't go to church, drink, smoke, are gay, are straight, are hard to work with, are easy to work with, are married, are single, have kids, don't have kids, know who Captain Mal is, have bad taste in literature, like cars, watch too much TV, play video games, have a college degree, are a stay at home mom, aren't a stay at home mom. I respect your ability to make your own decisions. I don't want to make them for you. I have my own life to deal with.

Now, this post was really long, and I really hope everyone who began reading it got to the end. My intention was not to offend anyone. I just know that I spent three years of my life miserable, and a lot of things stopped being so hard when I went back to church. That was my decision, and that doesn't have to be yours. Just please, I beg you, please respect my decision as much as I respect yours. Please, don't say negative things about my church, because you really are saying them about me.

Now, here's a super cute video of my adorable baby to make you love me again! She's 11 weeks old now, and I'm obsessed.

Is how we do.

365 days ago, something crazy happened to me. Weber was hosting The Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival. I was trying to be as involved and helpful as I could, running around doing what I was told would be best for me to do. I was house managing this show and was walking down the hallway between two theatres, and my eyes locked with a guy. I had never felt that way before. It was as if someone turned on a light I didn't know existed. I'm not saying I knew exactly what this would mean, but I know something was happening to me that never had before.

I walked down that hallway multiple times in the next fifteen minutes, even though I didn't need to, just to see him again. Every time I did, he stood up a little straighter and smiled.

After my show got out, I started walking to the Union for the Cabaret social we were putting on. And who just happens to be walking the same direction as me with a big group of friends. I'm about half way between buildings, walking fast because seeing him made me giddy and nervous, when he calls to me, "Hey... Hey, you're really pretty!" His friend (Andy, I think) turns to him and says "Stop being creepy, Erik." And me in my nervous state says the first thing that pops into mind, " I can take a compliment." (So stupid) I then proceeded to walk/run to where I was going. They ended up going somewhere else.

I figured I wouldn't see him again because there were so many people at this festival. But the next day, who do I see everywhere but this guy. We ended up on the same row in a show I was watching with my professor, Jenny. It was all I could do to not look at the guy who was staring at me from the end of my row.

I told my friends Josh and Maggie that I had seen a guy, and there was something about him. It wasn't just that I thought he was cute, it was something else. This guy was important to me, and I didn't know why.

Now we are married and have a beautiful baby girl. Yeah, everything didn't go as planned, but is just how we do. I knew then that we were supposed to be together, and although it's cheesy, it really was love at first sight.

Baby and movies and stuff.

It's been a few weeks, so I thought I'd update. It's February!! That much closer to spring and warm! AND Ingrid is four weeks old today. We have made it through four weeks of diapers (2 of the huge boxes), pooped on blankets (cause it sometimes misses the diapee) clothes no longer fitting (we're in 0 to 3 now for some things), and a ton of Instagram pictures (sorry, she is just too freaking cute).

My sleep schedule is so messed up right now. I wake up around 1 PM, and I go to bed somewhere around 4 AM. During my "sleep" time I wake up every 3 hours. Ingrid just likes the time between 11 and 4 for some reason. But what can you do? For now, we'll just do what we can to get enough sleeps for baby and mom.

I'm taking 14 credit hours online this semester. Even though I usually took more than that on top of working and shows at Weber, I'm having a hard time with it. Maybe because all of my classes consist of a ton of reading and no scene work.... But still. I'm enjoying most of it, and my amazing ability to do as little work as possible to get an A (perfected in high school History) is really coming in handy. After this semester I will be completely done with my generals and be so ready to start into my major work at UVU.

Between the two of us, we only have two more Oscar Best Picture nominees left to watch. We're pretty sure it will be between Django, Lincoln and Silver Linings, but I've thoroughly enjoyed all of them, so far. Also, I think Joaquin Phoenix might beat out Daniel Day-Lewis for Best Actor. His physicality is just phenomenal. To be honest, I care little about the other categories this year. I'm just so glad I have a husband who is as into (or maybe even more so) good movies as I am.

So, not much excitement going on here. Just trying to get enough sleep to get enough homework done before going back to sleep again. And I am not the slightest bit surprised. Although, 3 AM and I are much closer friends than I thought we'd be.

Leaving Limbo

In the last 5 days I have finally moved on to "real life". I don't say that because I think real life doesn't start until you become a mother, but because this is truly the first time since high school (almost 4 years ago) that I understand my role and what I want to do with it. I have been living in limbo for the past few years, and now things just make more sense.

Erik and I were recently talking about how living life without concrete goals can lead to depression. I know this has to do with the uneasy and unhappy feelings I have had over the years, but now so many things have been put neatly into perspective for me.

I now have concrete goals concerning my health, my career, and my family. All things I have never had. I have an ideal weight and a plan to get there. I have an intense need to graduate and actually start working in a career position as opposed to just a job. I have the most beautiful person in the world lying in my lap right now, and the perfect match for me to help me keep her safe. I think this little girl has something (and by something I mean everything) to do with my newfound determination to succeed.

Quick Previous Post Amendment

I wanted to but forgot to add to that last post that Ingrid was born on Elvis, David Bowie and Stephen Hawking's birthday! And she missed Nixon's birthday by 10 minutes (sigh of relief?)

Also, today is Erik and my six month anniversary. It seems like it has been so much longer than that! He really is the love of my life.

Day 1

Pregnant for 9 months, check. 33 hour labor, check. 2 1/2 hours of pushing, check. Apparently that is the recipe for one perfect 8 lbs 10 oz baby. We had her at 11:50 PM last night. I can't believe how good I feel right now considering how much pain I was in 24 hours ago.

But seriously, it all was worth it. I've only had this baby for a day, and I can't imagine life without her. She is so beautiful, with her chubby cheeks, her scent, and her jet black hair. She's so amazing.

We've had tons of visitors today, and I'm really tired, so I'll keep this a short one. I want to thank my amazing family for their support, my amazing friends for their love, and my amazing husband for everything he does. I couldn't have gotten to this day without all of you, which means I couldn't have gotten to the first day of this beautiful baby girl without all of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Now come visit me :)

Here Goes

I've always wanted to do a blog, but I never have. I also only make one New Years resolution every year, and this is not it. I might keep this up, I might not. I feel that since I live so far away from my friends of so many years and my family, I should start something like this so people who would like to know what is going on in my life are able to. Sooooo.... Here goes.

2012 was pretty crazy. And by crazy, I mean my life completely changed for the better. I met the love of my life, was cast in a dream role of mine, discovered I was pregnant, was unable to do the show, married my best friend, moved from my home city of three years, transferred schools, switched majors, lost four people who were very important to me to cancer, old age, and life decisions when I had never dealt with death before, and I actually accomplished my New Year's resolution. Yeah. Pretty crazy.

But even though 2012 was the most stressful year I've ever had, I think this year was the best.

Erik. Is. Amazing. He is the second best thing that has ever happened to me (the first being Ingrid). I'll talk about how we met in a later post, but we both agree it was love at first sight. His presence in my life has changed me from the self-destructive, selfish, and unhealthy person I was to a person who is assertive in making their life better.

Us being fish on our honeymoon

He took me to the color festival for my first time. So much fun!!

We got married on July 9th. Even though it didn't work out exactly how we planned it, we are so incredibly happy.

In May, I found out I was pregnant, and my life completely changed. Erik and I had already talked about getting married (yeah, we move fast. Back off), and so deciding to get married this summer wasn't a hard decision to make at all. Getting from point A to point B was the hard part. Thankfully, we had so much amazing support from family and friends. And despite the animosity from some because of our situation, we have had a wonderful start on our life together.  

Ingrid at 20 weeks

I had lived in Ogden and attended Weber State University for three years. I met some amazing people, found out some interesting things about myself, and picked up some pretty bad habits. Most of the negative stuff has gone away by now, and I'm glad I have been able to stay in touch with at least some of my very good friends. It's hard to stay close friends with people who live so far away, and this blog me attempting to make it not be so hard. 

My Allsaburry. She has been one of the best friends I have ever had. This picture is from us freshman year. I think this was the first time we actually hung out together.

These chicks be cray cray. I miss them so much!! And I miss my blonde streak...

I only make one resolution a year.  Last year, my resolution was to get rid of a habit I had accumulated in 2011, and for the second year in a row I actually accomplished it! This year's has to do with all the weight I've gained being pregnant. I want to lose every single pound I have gained (which is a lot, if you haven't seen me lately). I'm trying to stick to the 9 months on, 9 months off thing. My goal is to run a 10K in August to kind of commemorate my achievement. Feel free to cheer me on. I'm going to need all the help I can get!

This past year had it's challenges, stress, panic attacks, and tears just like every other year. I also found the love of my life and will soon meet the person who changed the game entirely. In the end, it was the best year of my life (so far).